Life has never given me lemons. It has given me anger issues, anxiety, a love for alcohol and a serious dislike for stupid people. But not lemons.
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I'm not addicted to reading. I can quit as soon as I finish the next chapter.
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During sex it's perfectly fine to say "YEAH", "YES", and "OH YES", but how awkward would it be if someone kept screaming "YEP"?
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A river cuts through rock, not because of its power, but because of its persistence.
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Hockey is figure skating in a war zone.
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Is "UGH" an emotion? Because I feel it all the time.
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Counting other people's sins does not make you a saint.
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My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
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I like rumors. I find out so much about me that I didn't even know!
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If guns are outlawed, only outlaws will have guns.
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Anger is a condition in which the tongue works faster than the mind.
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All you need is love. And a tiara. And maybe a cookie.
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Morning sex: proven to be more effective than coffee.
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Dear sleep, I know we had problems when I was younger ... but I love you now.
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Sometimes when you think the storm is coming to rain on your parade, it's actually there to water your garden.
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Don't lend money to friends -- it causes amnesia.
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My only hobby is laziness, which naturally rules out all others.
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Your body is a temple, but how long can you live in the same house before you redecorate.
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Retirement: World's longest coffee break.
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Have patience. Everything is difficult before it is easy.
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